I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
