If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Your penis caused this!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
