You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
