You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
