they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
