I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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