The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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