We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
