That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
