my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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