are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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