I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
