call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
