I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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