I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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