If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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