I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
