it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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