You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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