that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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