I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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