are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she peed on how many people?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
