my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
