Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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