I'm eating all of the evidence.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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