today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just invented taco cereal.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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