My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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