Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
