chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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