I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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