I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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