paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
