I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
