So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
