you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
