Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
