He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
