Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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