I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You ate ashes out of my bong
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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