This house was built for laser tag.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
