This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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