honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
