Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
