dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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