Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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