Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
