I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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