For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
