I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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