Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
