maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
