just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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